"9-Months Late"
I started walking Down the hood...
With a piece of Paper..
The same paper that I need to give back to you.
Every step I made felt heavier than usual.
Was it because, I've had this paper for a quite Sometime already?
And its sad that I need to Give it back..
Or Was it because, I was too disappointed..?
Coz' somehow I thought That you're different.
But you're not. I continued to walk .. to find an answer.
Like and Love is different. Love is a bigger word.
And If you really love someone? No matter what it takes.
No matter how long.. You'd wait. But wait..
You said that, "Time is Gold." Yes, I agree with that too.
But its not like the waiting time would take Forever.
Time is also important to me,
Time is what I asked you.
Time is what I invested in you.
A Time for you to heal from your past Relationship.
I made myself clear on this. You easily got attached to me. When you're still hurting. it makes me uncomfortable. Coz' I felt like It was a Rebound. its not like we're in a last minute ball game and your team is losing sooo you need to rush things up. we ain't playin' here. And You got no Balls remember?. *like literally*
but then I just continued helping you heal.. and that's the time you started saying things to me..
A Time for Us to know each other well. I also made myself clear to this.
We only met like twice. We only talked through social medias. all I want is to know you Physically not just by Chatting, texting or late night phone calls, and video chats. I want to know YOU. the real You behind the devices I used to talk to you. I want to see the real you. I want to know more of you by seeing it right through my eyes. It makes me feel sad to remember how excited I was when you told me that you'll visit me here.
A Time for me to feel secured. the thing that I didn't get on my past relationships. by this time.. I was just letting you say what you want. You're gaining my trust and respect.. As you share your thoughts.. values.. every happy and sad moments.. and even personal. family or friends. I appreciated everything. I never judged the things that you're going through. I even cheered you up. In the best way I can do. Still I stayed and comforted you whenever. wherever possible. you comforted me too at times though. I'm thanking you for that. I've got lots of trust issues.. and Assurance with all your sweet words is all that I am waiting. that's the thing I can't get from you yet.. *until now*
I was craving to see how far you'd go waiting for me.
But i guess i was late. Months late, but with what you did..
it makes me feel terrified.
I stumbled upon a Garbage container. Then I remembered.. You're mind is a mess. And to clean it up. You might need this. Let's start by cleaning up a bit, I just want to clear this. You said that.. "Antagal ko ng naghintay sakanya, tapos nung may "iba" ng dumating sa buhay ko saka ko lang malalaman na may pagasa pala ako."
So I am saying this to you as my Answer.. "So, Dahil lang ba may bagong dumating, aalis kana agad? NG WALANG PAALAM? hindi ko naman sinabing hintayin mo ako.. kusa mong sinabi na maghihintay ka." You and your Empty Words. *PS.di mo kinagwapo yan. Please..Pull yourself together.
Everyday.. Is a *Chance to prove yourself and Giving up.. Is when you waste the chance. Its not Love dude, you kept saying you love me but then you're infatuated with someone else. Aba ilang puso ba meron ka?
You just make it easy for me to decide.
You are not worth it.
Not worth my Time,
Not worth my Trust,
Not worth my Respect,
You don't deserve my concern.
You don't deserve my love.
You don't deserve my tears.
You don't deserve Me.
you said you rushingly asked her to forgive you. and asked for a second chance.. Well good for her.. hmm, Is it? *insert sarcasm here* And there I thought I got the answer I need.
I wasn't just carrying a piece of paper.
I am also carrying A Bag. A douche bag.
That's what you are.
That's what you made me feel about you.
You proved not the good things I reserved to at least respect you 'Coz I still have high hopes of you, But this a Hopeless case from the start. Is it me to blame when I am just being careful? when I just want to make sure that you're different? *well, you're not* Just No Way. It makes me hate myself. you make me hate myself. that's why I blocked you. I felt like I lose when in fact its you who lost.
Again, I wanna reclaim my respect that you took away from me. but then I realized. that I should stop hating myself. and that I should love myself more. thank myself for being careful for not being easily impressed with just words. With your empty words.
The person who deserves me is someone who appreciates every single bit of me. someone who isn't afraid of taking risks, someone who would make me believe by doing all the things that he is saying. someone who respects my feelings, thoughts, and opinions. Someone who knows how to make things up. Someone who will stay. and that Someone that will never be You. You said that If only I told you that you have the chance.. our destiny might have changed. No. dude. I don't think so. It's waaaay better this way.
"handa naman akong ibigay sakanya lahat ng makakakaya ko eh" Again Words.. Empty words. Na walang assurance. and because I am late by months. Yes Months from now... I am planning to go home. And surprise you, By giving you a chance to do All the things that you promised me. Kaya kita tinanong nun kung anong gagawin mo pag umuwi ako. So that i'll know what to expect. Kasi nga dba since di ka makapunta, Ako na sana magaadjust,
A part of me was excited. But you're in a hurry and I cant catch up. I will not join the race tho' I hate rushing up esp. When it comes to Relationships I take it seriously. And yung makausap ako Nagrereply sa mga msgs mo, Sinasagot mga calls mo? Isn't that a chance already..? Di mo ba naisip na chance yun? Kailangan ba lahat ng bagay sinasabi? Minsan pinaparamdam din dba? Minsan ginagawa nalang. Which is di pala sapat sayo. Di pala ako sapat sayo Na nung may dumating lang Naoverwhelmed kana agad, and the Time that we slowly invested to each other? those deep conversations.. those jokes.. those random things we've shared. ayun sinayang mo lang.. kasi nga " Time is Gold. " Anyways thankful ako kasi naappreciate mo ako. For the things I do. My hobbies, interests, etc.
I am not a Toy for you to play I have my Feelings and Emotions too.
I'm at the edge and in one, two, or three push.. I think I'd see what I am looking for. but what you offered for me to see is different from what I saw. maybe that's "who he was is not who he really is." So I ended up pushing you away instead. "Si *H* pinupush away na talaga ako.." Dude who wouldn't? "Si *.......... handang mahalin ako ng buong buo at ayaw akong bitawan"
Well good for her. Atleast nakapag apologize ka sakanya personally, But me? You sent the message to someone, Para sabihin sakin. Like wth? Para san pa yung acct mo? Pang Display ng pictures nyo soon? Thats why I blocked you. Seems like you dont need it. I don't wanna hear anything from you again. That's what makes me angry about you, Kilala mo ako. I don't get mad easily, I have lots of patience. And even though may nagawa kang mali, I still kept you as my friend. but now as I encountered the true you. never pa akong nagalit ng ganon sa tao. never ko pang kinailangan magblock ng tao from my life. first time to. and I didn't like how you made me feel that anger. I didn't like how you influenced me to hate someone so bad. Esp. I didn't like the way you made me hate myself. so instead of giving the paper back, I crumpled the paper like a ball. *yun wala ka* and tried to throw it from a distance *shoot!!!!! 3pts. Scored! It fits the last space of the container as if it was really waiting for me to throw it. Trash talker ka kasi. And Maybe i dont have to give it you Kaya ko naencounter yun trash can kasi para Iwan na dun yung papel mo I wont waste my time again. Cleaning up after you
At the end of the day, Wala. At kung gusto mo pa kunin yun papel mo, Kunin mo magisa Bilisan mo lang kasi baka maunahan ka ng truck. Mabilis pa naman yun. Mas mabilis pa sayo. "sasabihin bat ako nagmamadali" I did not say na nagmamadali ka dahil lang may iba na. what the. You really are fast Dude. Based on your actions. Woah!! Actions ...atlast? "pahalagahan natin bawat oras kasi maraming pwedeng magbago" Yes. Thankyou for that advice. Alam mong lahat ng bagay naappreciate ko. Yan ay kung kilala mo talaga ako. I still want to thank you coz' I learned a lot from you.
Thankyou for showing up the real you.. Beforehand. Thankyou for giving the person Who deserves me a chance. Sa huli, di mo padin pinakita na kaya mong Panindigan ang mga salita mo. I know you activated your old acct. But still... I didn't recieve any message. Not even a Single sorry. Dineactivate mo ulit even before I had the chance to block that acct too. Making sure kung blinock nga kita? Lol. And for the last time. I want to congratulate you. Congrats. For your new found "love" Congrats coz' you just lost a friend. I am okay now If you're curious.. Kaya ko to. Malayo sa bituka.. literally *oops.
Again Life still goes on. Now that I am slowly picking myself up again. *Kakatayo ko lang tinulak mo nanaman ako. Ughh. Paulit ulit kong sinabi sayo na Fix yourself Pero di mo ginawa. Siguro kasi may bubuo nga kasi sayo. Handa nga sya dba. Kaya i apply ko nalang sakin yun. I'll fix myself. In the process of healing.. Again.. I am forgiving you.. Now. But this time.. I'll delete you from my system. I'll forget everything about you. I wanna reset everything. Like it never happened. I hope we don't see each other ever again. And if we do, Ugh sana talaga wag na. Please lang...
I don't need your words..
I don't need your conscience
I don't need someone who is Only good at saying sorry.
I don't need another temporary person.
I don't need you,
After all , I'd still hope for you to be happy.
Sincere to ha. And from here,
I'll grab the opportunity to say sorry.
Ako nalang magsorry nakakahiya naman sayo e.
Sorry sa lahat ha. Lahat na para wala ng maiwan.
Sorry for being late..
Nine Months late..
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Lesson Really Learned (Part 2)
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happy reading! <3
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NineMonthsLate@haoppydays2016
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